I have to say, Mr. Notes, who is exceptionally honest thought this was judgemental. if you see it that way please feel free to comment. I need correction at times and appreciate your honesty.
Some people genuinely are suffering and deserve softness but there are other people weaponise victimhood, irresponsibility, or helplessness while others forcing others to face the consequence. I love the way this piece conveys this contrast of how from the outside, those two kinds of people can look very similar. This is very thoughfully written, I really enjoyed it.
Thank you. That’s exactly what I was trying to say. Some people really are suffering and deserve softness, but others weaponize helplessness and leave everyone else holding the consequences. It’s such a hard line to see from the outside.
I love a clip of life with a reflection. It often takes me back to my own memories. We had a neighbor like yours. My sister caught her kicking one of the children. My mom stopped her from beating that lady up! My sister was maybe 15? Wired and scrappy as hell. She said "if I ever see you touch them again I will kick your ass, then call the cops." My sister, the badass. That day remains a vivid reminder to me of ghe fierce goodness of my sister. I should tell her about what that meant to me. ♡ Thanks for the story. Thanks for sharing what it meant to you and how the experience shifted something in your world.♡ this is how we learn.
Continue to give the benefit of doubt until proven wrong. At work on the streets the first time we ran on someone they get a blank slate, if we learn your name, birthdate, all the poor choices you make you are likely to to be the recipient of what what we refer to as "our cup of of give a f___ doth run dry".
One thing that comes to mind is that it is human nature to give people the benefit of the doubt. It is not a flaw. It’s how we are designed.
That being said, I think compassion is very often misunderstood. Most people think that compassion is a soft, fluffy, Kumbaya sort of thing.
After practicing Buddhism for over 25 years my understanding of compassion is much different.
If I am enabling a drug addict to continue in their habit, is that compassion? This is what your story speaks to. Sometimes standing for someone when it becomes uncomfortable is exactly the kind of compassion someone truly needs.
Also, every one of us has our own karma. It’s not my business to get resolve your karma. It’s not my job. That’s not a cold and heartless stand. Just as your story reflects, you do what you can to support to the best of your ability. Then, once you see that the story is different from what you truly understood, you may change your approach. There’s nothing wrong with it.
It’s valiant to be reflecting in an effort to truly understand. This is just where you are in your path. Your neighbor is where she is.
This one was hard for me. I always want to give people the benefit of the doubt, and I'm frustrated when others don't extend that courtesy to someone else. But everything you said here is true, and I know well enough that I've been taken advantage of, and it would be good for me to really let this sink in. I just started in drug and alcohol treatment, and finding this balance is life and death - people in early recovery need both grace, and they need you to see their bullshit. Well timed article for me, thanks.
Interesting perspective. I always say that you really can't assume someone's context. Depending on your lens you may assume the good in people or the worst. Generally, the answer is probably somewhere in-between.
love that you didn't resolve the tension. Like, you could've landed on people are selfish or always be kind; but you stayed in the harder place -- knowing that both exist, looking similar from the outside, & you don't always get to know which one you're looking at.
"I just do not want grace to turn me into an accomplice to my own stupidity" --- i love the honesty
Wow. That is a powerful piece. I will be thinking about this one for a while. Thank you for taking the time and effort to be present when you want to run away. Also, thank you for pointing us to the exit when all the smoke and mirrors have lit our instincts on fire. 🔥 🫶🏻Mitch
Thank you so much, Mitch. This means a lot. “Being present when you want to run away” is exactly the tension. I really appreciate you reading it so deeply.
Second of all, the neighbor's personality became crystal clear when she only said, "I don't know how the dog got out." There should've been accountability — or at best, accountability, and there wasn't.
I don't think you should feel "stupid" when you realize you were giving empathy to people who didn't deserve it. I think we all should lead with kindness, but be immediatley be ready to reel it back once we get the entire picture - which you did.
I still laugh that she asked me if she could call me daddy, even though it should probably make me sad. you can't make this shit up!!! (well the excellent fiction writers on here could lol) Thank you for reading and giving me an out.
Wow, this is an incredibly honest exploration of a very challenging topic. It made me think about my own experience supervising an after school program with at-risk youth in a rural community that was under-resourced, even including access to grocery stores (there were none, only a gas station). In my early twenties, I was so idealistic and I didn't know how to handle the emotional weight of children asking to come home with me.
Our stories differ *and* I can feel the tension of what you're elucidating, compassion toward children who were placed into the system that often fails. Thanks for writing this!
Thank you so much for this. “Children asking to come home with me” is heartbreaking, and I can only imagine how much that stayed with you. Our stories are definitely different, but yes, that tension is exactly what I was trying to get at. I really appreciate you reading so closely and sharing this.
Yes, heartbreaking. And I'm grateful to find your article. The temptation to self-censor in our writing can be great, but it flattens the full picture. I'm glad you detailed the complexities of your experience. Looking forward to reading more of your work!
I agree -- I've never liked the saying "They're doing the best they can." That's not always the case. Sometimes they may be distracted by something else. Or they may have their priorities out of order.
I wonder what your neighbor was distracted by. Or maybe she had no idea how to be a good parent? Strange.
I have to say, Mr. Notes, who is exceptionally honest thought this was judgemental. if you see it that way please feel free to comment. I need correction at times and appreciate your honesty.
I didn't see it. I thought it was introspective and thoughtful.
thank you for that. He may be my harshest critic.
Not judgemental at even the slightest.
"That should make us kinder.
But it should not make us blinder."
That distinction
is the hardest one
to hold simultaneously.
Because kindness
and accurate perception
are not enemies —
but they pull
in different directions
when information is incomplete.
The instinct to complete the story
with something merciful
is not stupidity.
It is a preference
for a world where suffering
has more explanations
than negligence does.
The problem he names
is precise :
sometimes that preference
becomes a service
we render to people
who are counting on it.
Not all accounts of hardship
are accurate.
Some are just
a better story
than the truth.
Knowing the difference
requires giving up
the comfort of not knowing.
That is what makes it hard.
— AËLA
Some people genuinely are suffering and deserve softness but there are other people weaponise victimhood, irresponsibility, or helplessness while others forcing others to face the consequence. I love the way this piece conveys this contrast of how from the outside, those two kinds of people can look very similar. This is very thoughfully written, I really enjoyed it.
Thank you. That’s exactly what I was trying to say. Some people really are suffering and deserve softness, but others weaponize helplessness and leave everyone else holding the consequences. It’s such a hard line to see from the outside.
I love a clip of life with a reflection. It often takes me back to my own memories. We had a neighbor like yours. My sister caught her kicking one of the children. My mom stopped her from beating that lady up! My sister was maybe 15? Wired and scrappy as hell. She said "if I ever see you touch them again I will kick your ass, then call the cops." My sister, the badass. That day remains a vivid reminder to me of ghe fierce goodness of my sister. I should tell her about what that meant to me. ♡ Thanks for the story. Thanks for sharing what it meant to you and how the experience shifted something in your world.♡ this is how we learn.
Continue to give the benefit of doubt until proven wrong. At work on the streets the first time we ran on someone they get a blank slate, if we learn your name, birthdate, all the poor choices you make you are likely to to be the recipient of what what we refer to as "our cup of of give a f___ doth run dry".
Thank you for a truly honest reflection.
One thing that comes to mind is that it is human nature to give people the benefit of the doubt. It is not a flaw. It’s how we are designed.
That being said, I think compassion is very often misunderstood. Most people think that compassion is a soft, fluffy, Kumbaya sort of thing.
After practicing Buddhism for over 25 years my understanding of compassion is much different.
If I am enabling a drug addict to continue in their habit, is that compassion? This is what your story speaks to. Sometimes standing for someone when it becomes uncomfortable is exactly the kind of compassion someone truly needs.
Also, every one of us has our own karma. It’s not my business to get resolve your karma. It’s not my job. That’s not a cold and heartless stand. Just as your story reflects, you do what you can to support to the best of your ability. Then, once you see that the story is different from what you truly understood, you may change your approach. There’s nothing wrong with it.
It’s valiant to be reflecting in an effort to truly understand. This is just where you are in your path. Your neighbor is where she is.
This one was hard for me. I always want to give people the benefit of the doubt, and I'm frustrated when others don't extend that courtesy to someone else. But everything you said here is true, and I know well enough that I've been taken advantage of, and it would be good for me to really let this sink in. I just started in drug and alcohol treatment, and finding this balance is life and death - people in early recovery need both grace, and they need you to see their bullshit. Well timed article for me, thanks.
Interesting perspective. I always say that you really can't assume someone's context. Depending on your lens you may assume the good in people or the worst. Generally, the answer is probably somewhere in-between.
Very relatable! Well written!
A really interesting read here. Thanks!
love that you didn't resolve the tension. Like, you could've landed on people are selfish or always be kind; but you stayed in the harder place -- knowing that both exist, looking similar from the outside, & you don't always get to know which one you're looking at.
"I just do not want grace to turn me into an accomplice to my own stupidity" --- i love the honesty
NFTH,
Wow. That is a powerful piece. I will be thinking about this one for a while. Thank you for taking the time and effort to be present when you want to run away. Also, thank you for pointing us to the exit when all the smoke and mirrors have lit our instincts on fire. 🔥 🫶🏻Mitch
Thank you so much, Mitch. This means a lot. “Being present when you want to run away” is exactly the tension. I really appreciate you reading it so deeply.
First of all, exquisite title.
Second of all, the neighbor's personality became crystal clear when she only said, "I don't know how the dog got out." There should've been accountability — or at best, accountability, and there wasn't.
I don't think you should feel "stupid" when you realize you were giving empathy to people who didn't deserve it. I think we all should lead with kindness, but be immediatley be ready to reel it back once we get the entire picture - which you did.
I still laugh that she asked me if she could call me daddy, even though it should probably make me sad. you can't make this shit up!!! (well the excellent fiction writers on here could lol) Thank you for reading and giving me an out.
Wow, this is an incredibly honest exploration of a very challenging topic. It made me think about my own experience supervising an after school program with at-risk youth in a rural community that was under-resourced, even including access to grocery stores (there were none, only a gas station). In my early twenties, I was so idealistic and I didn't know how to handle the emotional weight of children asking to come home with me.
Our stories differ *and* I can feel the tension of what you're elucidating, compassion toward children who were placed into the system that often fails. Thanks for writing this!
Thank you so much for this. “Children asking to come home with me” is heartbreaking, and I can only imagine how much that stayed with you. Our stories are definitely different, but yes, that tension is exactly what I was trying to get at. I really appreciate you reading so closely and sharing this.
Yes, heartbreaking. And I'm grateful to find your article. The temptation to self-censor in our writing can be great, but it flattens the full picture. I'm glad you detailed the complexities of your experience. Looking forward to reading more of your work!
I agree -- I've never liked the saying "They're doing the best they can." That's not always the case. Sometimes they may be distracted by something else. Or they may have their priorities out of order.
I wonder what your neighbor was distracted by. Or maybe she had no idea how to be a good parent? Strange.
We've all made similar errors with knowing less than what was going on. It happens. I think you did much to reflect on it and learn.