I get it, honestly. I’ve been there: church trauma and dad issues. I have found that when you grow up with the double hit of religious trauma and a fractured relationship with your dad, your baseline for human connection gets completely warped. You’re basically conditioned to believe that love isn't a birthright: it’s a negotiation. You learn to survive by being hyper-vigilant, keeping the peace, and erasing your own boundaries just to stay safe.
The real tragedy is how that follows us into adulthood. We spend years auditioning for people, assuming that if we stop performing for even a second, everyone will leave. It creates this terrifying blind spot: we literally cannot comprehend the idea that someone could just look at us, exactly as we are, and love us effortlessly.
The shift happens (at least for me it did) when I finally stopped hustling for my worth. When you step off that stage and start choosing yourself, your nervous system goes through a profound shock. It’s like your body finally realizes, “Oh, I don’t have to fight or hide to be safe anymore.”
And honestly, the way people talk about forgiveness is usually total garbage. It’s not about neatly wrapping up the trauma or pretending it was okay. It’s just looking at the injustice clearly, accepting that you can't rewrite history, and deciding to stop carrying the punishment. For years, we subconsciously repeat the abuse of the people who failed us—through a brutal inner monologue, self-sabotage, and bad choices. We’re basically running old programming. Radical healing is realizing those harsh voices in your head aren't even yours. They’re just voices of the people who didn’t know how to love you, and you don’t have to listen to them anymore…. That detachment leads to forgiveness. Much love on your healing. Feel free to reach out ♥️❤️🩹
Thank you for this. The line about love feeling like a negotiation really got me, because yes. That is exactly it. I’m still somewhere between wanting to heal and wanting to throw a chair, but it helps so much when someone understands the shape of it. Much love back to you ❤️
Thank you for this. I think you’re right that maybe it’s less about letting it go and more about learning how to carry it without letting it run the whole show. I really appreciate the support.
"And maybe forgiveness is not saying, “It’s fine.” Maybe forgiveness is saying, “It was not fine, but I am done letting it own me.”"
I think this is absolutely it. Forgiveness isn't so much about the other person as it is about freeing ourselves from continuing to carry the weight of what happened.
That doesn't mean what happened was okay. It means we are gradually choosing not to let it continue to own us. And that is a journey that takes time and practice.
That’s a long time for treatment like that. I was laid off after 5.5 years and I’m mad. I can’t imagine. Personally I think it’s OK to be angry about things. I’ve heard it said that anger is like drinking poison and hoping the other person suffers. But, I think it can be a very empowering emotion—especially when you’ve been wronged. Retaliation? Absolutely not! Anger, completely valid. Enjoy it. Hold on to it as long as it serves you. You’ll know when it’s time to let it go.
thanks so much for saying this, I'm sorry if happened to you as well. I am trying to move past it but I do think the anger is necessary and pretending you're not doesn't make it go away. I'm getting tired of hearing myself which is a good thing 😄 🤣
"Maybe forgiveness is not saying, 'It's fine.' Maybe forgiveness is saying, 'It was not fine, but I am done letting it own me.'" That distinction is the whole piece, honestly — it's the redefinition so many people need and never get handed to them growing up. Thank you for writing through the anger instead of skipping to the resolution you don't actually feel yet. That's rarer and more useful than the tidy version would have been.
I really appreciate that. I've been pretending my whole life and decided not any more. Claiming I've forgiven and still being pissed doesn't work for me. But I'm working on it!!
"‘Maybe forgiveness is not saying "It’s fine." Maybe forgiveness is saying "It was not fine, but I am done letting it own me."' You nailed it. We’ve been sold this lie that forgiveness means pretending the wound didn’t happen. Thank you for this truth. 🫧
The two-step verification thing is going to live in my head now... T_T Something about being logged out of your own accounts by a man who already took the job, over and over, every stupid Tuesday, is a crueller detail than any of the knives. And you're right that forgiveness got explained badly to us... Nobody ever said it could mean it was not fine and I am done letting it own me, they just kept saying be nice about it. Kate, I don't know how to let it go either, but the willing to learn part is not nothing and I am so glad you wrote this.
Well, reading your plight has reduced mine..you're definitely getting somewhere..you know your faults& good traits you have..they all come from a good kind ❤️ & by knowing that God is there is all I think you need..it, does happen / forgiveness,it creeps up when you.. when you least expect it.
Kate, this hit something deep. I was also pushed out of a job last year, in the middle of a stretch that was already hard enough without it, &&& the particular sting of "fifteen years and not even a goodbye" is something I recognize in my bones, just with different circumstances attached.
But what I admire most is how clearly you're seeing the anger without letting it perform for anyone. "it was not fine, but I am done letting it own me" --- that's such an most honest definition of forgiveness; not because it absolves anyone, but because it's clear-eyed about who the anger is actually costing the most.
Appreciate for writing this without smoothing it over.
I read your underlying frustrations and see how you have grown out of your past misconducts/mistakes by others to you, very steadily and that’s in itself such a cool thing.
You’re a different person now than who you were ages ago and so is your dad.
This post really resonated with me. Thank you for sharing so honestly. The raw mix of anger, grief, and that quiet rebellion of the heart is so relatable.
Thank you, Laura. I almost didn't post this one because it felt a little too raw, so your comment means a lot. I think many of us are trying to figure out how to carry the anger without letting it become who we are. I'm glad it resonated with you. ❤️
Some things are unforgivable, love, and that has to be ok. You can know a person is different but still be wired to be triggered by them, which won't change and was their doing. Regardless of the place he may or may not hold in your future, forgetting who he was isn't necessary. Rewriting history isn't the goal. It's about learning where they belong now. Boundaries are the healthiest thing we can do for ourselves. Sometimes letting go is the healthiest thing, and sometimes it's forgiving what's forgivable and accepting the rest as a past this person grew from.
This hit me: "I have been trying very hard not to disappear anymore. I have been getting better at saying things. Calling things what they are. Refusing to be erased just because it makes everyone else more comfortable." Yes. This is so huge in healing and becoming, and something I've worked on for years. The Climb is an easy phrase, but such long, hard work. Worth it, though.
And it's ok to believe in the spiritual aspects that make sense while rejecting organized religion. The last thing we need is another controlling system telling us what to believe.
Thank you for reading! “Rewriting history isn’t the goal” really hit me, and so did learning where people belong now. I don’t want to pretend things didn’t happen, but I also don’t want to keep living inside them. And yes to the faith part. I still believe, but I can’t do another controlling system telling me what to feel or believe. I really appreciate you seeing me. It means a lot.
This was so honest and painfully human. I really loved the line about forgiveness not meaning “it’s fine,” but “it was not fine, and I am done letting it own me.” That feels like such a real, difficult kind of wisdom. Also, “cough-medicine-and-rage person” made me laugh in the middle of all the heartbreak.
I get it, honestly. I’ve been there: church trauma and dad issues. I have found that when you grow up with the double hit of religious trauma and a fractured relationship with your dad, your baseline for human connection gets completely warped. You’re basically conditioned to believe that love isn't a birthright: it’s a negotiation. You learn to survive by being hyper-vigilant, keeping the peace, and erasing your own boundaries just to stay safe.
The real tragedy is how that follows us into adulthood. We spend years auditioning for people, assuming that if we stop performing for even a second, everyone will leave. It creates this terrifying blind spot: we literally cannot comprehend the idea that someone could just look at us, exactly as we are, and love us effortlessly.
The shift happens (at least for me it did) when I finally stopped hustling for my worth. When you step off that stage and start choosing yourself, your nervous system goes through a profound shock. It’s like your body finally realizes, “Oh, I don’t have to fight or hide to be safe anymore.”
And honestly, the way people talk about forgiveness is usually total garbage. It’s not about neatly wrapping up the trauma or pretending it was okay. It’s just looking at the injustice clearly, accepting that you can't rewrite history, and deciding to stop carrying the punishment. For years, we subconsciously repeat the abuse of the people who failed us—through a brutal inner monologue, self-sabotage, and bad choices. We’re basically running old programming. Radical healing is realizing those harsh voices in your head aren't even yours. They’re just voices of the people who didn’t know how to love you, and you don’t have to listen to them anymore…. That detachment leads to forgiveness. Much love on your healing. Feel free to reach out ♥️❤️🩹
Thank you for this. The line about love feeling like a negotiation really got me, because yes. That is exactly it. I’m still somewhere between wanting to heal and wanting to throw a chair, but it helps so much when someone understands the shape of it. Much love back to you ❤️
Thank you for this. I think you’re right that maybe it’s less about letting it go and more about learning how to carry it without letting it run the whole show. I really appreciate the support.
ty so much Cory. I really appreciate your thoughts!
It's well within your right to be angry and upset. How long it takes to recover depends on you.
Time does heal but so do amazing opportunities and experiences. One day you'll back on this as a blessing in disguise.
I'm sure of it — even though I'm not quite there yet with some of my experiences.
Something I read has helped me — a LOT — and maybe it will help you too...
This woman who was raped decided to meet with her rapist in prison, years after it happened.
She confronted him and told him how horribly it affected her life.
From what I recall, he told her that he had no idea how much it affected her and hadn't even thought about since.
She was healed that day.
Not because she forgave him. But because she realized that she was the one still hurting herself — not him.
You don't even need to forgive them. Instead you can say, "I release you."
This way you can feel free to move on with peace. 🙏❤️
"And maybe forgiveness is not saying, “It’s fine.” Maybe forgiveness is saying, “It was not fine, but I am done letting it own me.”"
I think this is absolutely it. Forgiveness isn't so much about the other person as it is about freeing ourselves from continuing to carry the weight of what happened.
That doesn't mean what happened was okay. It means we are gradually choosing not to let it continue to own us. And that is a journey that takes time and practice.
ty so much. I need a lot of practice.
That's pretty normal! ☺️ We all do.
That’s a long time for treatment like that. I was laid off after 5.5 years and I’m mad. I can’t imagine. Personally I think it’s OK to be angry about things. I’ve heard it said that anger is like drinking poison and hoping the other person suffers. But, I think it can be a very empowering emotion—especially when you’ve been wronged. Retaliation? Absolutely not! Anger, completely valid. Enjoy it. Hold on to it as long as it serves you. You’ll know when it’s time to let it go.
thanks so much for saying this, I'm sorry if happened to you as well. I am trying to move past it but I do think the anger is necessary and pretending you're not doesn't make it go away. I'm getting tired of hearing myself which is a good thing 😄 🤣
"Maybe forgiveness is not saying, 'It's fine.' Maybe forgiveness is saying, 'It was not fine, but I am done letting it own me.'" That distinction is the whole piece, honestly — it's the redefinition so many people need and never get handed to them growing up. Thank you for writing through the anger instead of skipping to the resolution you don't actually feel yet. That's rarer and more useful than the tidy version would have been.
I really appreciate that. I've been pretending my whole life and decided not any more. Claiming I've forgiven and still being pissed doesn't work for me. But I'm working on it!!
"‘Maybe forgiveness is not saying "It’s fine." Maybe forgiveness is saying "It was not fine, but I am done letting it own me."' You nailed it. We’ve been sold this lie that forgiveness means pretending the wound didn’t happen. Thank you for this truth. 🫧
The two-step verification thing is going to live in my head now... T_T Something about being logged out of your own accounts by a man who already took the job, over and over, every stupid Tuesday, is a crueller detail than any of the knives. And you're right that forgiveness got explained badly to us... Nobody ever said it could mean it was not fine and I am done letting it own me, they just kept saying be nice about it. Kate, I don't know how to let it go either, but the willing to learn part is not nothing and I am so glad you wrote this.
your live really did help!! of course I still want to punch him in the face. that may never change 😆
Well, reading your plight has reduced mine..you're definitely getting somewhere..you know your faults& good traits you have..they all come from a good kind ❤️ & by knowing that God is there is all I think you need..it, does happen / forgiveness,it creeps up when you.. when you least expect it.
Kate, this hit something deep. I was also pushed out of a job last year, in the middle of a stretch that was already hard enough without it, &&& the particular sting of "fifteen years and not even a goodbye" is something I recognize in my bones, just with different circumstances attached.
But what I admire most is how clearly you're seeing the anger without letting it perform for anyone. "it was not fine, but I am done letting it own me" --- that's such an most honest definition of forgiveness; not because it absolves anyone, but because it's clear-eyed about who the anger is actually costing the most.
Appreciate for writing this without smoothing it over.
🫂🫂🫂
I read your underlying frustrations and see how you have grown out of your past misconducts/mistakes by others to you, very steadily and that’s in itself such a cool thing.
You’re a different person now than who you were ages ago and so is your dad.
Thanks for sharing..
Much love and hugs 🤍
This post really resonated with me. Thank you for sharing so honestly. The raw mix of anger, grief, and that quiet rebellion of the heart is so relatable.
Thank you, Laura. I almost didn't post this one because it felt a little too raw, so your comment means a lot. I think many of us are trying to figure out how to carry the anger without letting it become who we are. I'm glad it resonated with you. ❤️
Some things are unforgivable, love, and that has to be ok. You can know a person is different but still be wired to be triggered by them, which won't change and was their doing. Regardless of the place he may or may not hold in your future, forgetting who he was isn't necessary. Rewriting history isn't the goal. It's about learning where they belong now. Boundaries are the healthiest thing we can do for ourselves. Sometimes letting go is the healthiest thing, and sometimes it's forgiving what's forgivable and accepting the rest as a past this person grew from.
This hit me: "I have been trying very hard not to disappear anymore. I have been getting better at saying things. Calling things what they are. Refusing to be erased just because it makes everyone else more comfortable." Yes. This is so huge in healing and becoming, and something I've worked on for years. The Climb is an easy phrase, but such long, hard work. Worth it, though.
And it's ok to believe in the spiritual aspects that make sense while rejecting organized religion. The last thing we need is another controlling system telling us what to believe.
I see you. 🐦⬛
Thank you for reading! “Rewriting history isn’t the goal” really hit me, and so did learning where people belong now. I don’t want to pretend things didn’t happen, but I also don’t want to keep living inside them. And yes to the faith part. I still believe, but I can’t do another controlling system telling me what to feel or believe. I really appreciate you seeing me. It means a lot.
This was so honest and painfully human. I really loved the line about forgiveness not meaning “it’s fine,” but “it was not fine, and I am done letting it own me.” That feels like such a real, difficult kind of wisdom. Also, “cough-medicine-and-rage person” made me laugh in the middle of all the heartbreak.