I get it, honestly. I’ve been there: church trauma and dad issues. I have found that when you grow up with the double hit of religious trauma and a fractured relationship with your dad, your baseline for human connection gets completely warped. You’re basically conditioned to believe that love isn't a birthright: it’s a negotiation. You learn to survive by being hyper-vigilant, keeping the peace, and erasing your own boundaries just to stay safe.
The real tragedy is how that follows us into adulthood. We spend years auditioning for people, assuming that if we stop performing for even a second, everyone will leave. It creates this terrifying blind spot: we literally cannot comprehend the idea that someone could just look at us, exactly as we are, and love us effortlessly.
The shift happens (at least for me it did) when I finally stopped hustling for my worth. When you step off that stage and start choosing yourself, your nervous system goes through a profound shock. It’s like your body finally realizes, “Oh, I don’t have to fight or hide to be safe anymore.”
And honestly, the way people talk about forgiveness is usually total garbage. It’s not about neatly wrapping up the trauma or pretending it was okay. It’s just looking at the injustice clearly, accepting that you can't rewrite history, and deciding to stop carrying the punishment. For years, we subconsciously repeat the abuse of the people who failed us—through a brutal inner monologue, self-sabotage, and bad choices. We’re basically running old programming. Radical healing is realizing those harsh voices in your head aren't even yours. They’re just voices of the people who didn’t know how to love you, and you don’t have to listen to them anymore…. That detachment leads to forgiveness. Much love on your healing. Feel free to reach out ♥️❤️🩹
Thank you for this. The line about love feeling like a negotiation really got me, because yes. That is exactly it. I’m still somewhere between wanting to heal and wanting to throw a chair, but it helps so much when someone understands the shape of it. Much love back to you ❤️
I love the brutal honesty. Sorry you're dealing with the residuals of that phone. That's a tough one in today's day and age. If you're looking for something spiritual, I have something I wrote recently. Helped me kick my addictive habits. Figured I'd offer, let me know if you're interested. No worries if not.
I'm not sure how to "let it go" either. I'm extremely vindictive, too. 😂
Honestly, though, I don't think you need to let it go. It was an experience you've had. You've grown through it, it helped shape who you are today, and it'll continue to shape who you become tomorrow.
Sure you'll look back and still be upset at the time you gave just to be backstabbed, but on the other side--at least you're away from people who wished you harm. You have free reign again to choose who to let in and who to keep boundaries.
Life isn't sunshine and rainbows, much of the time it feels like stormy downpours with brief periods of blue skies. At least that's how I see it.
I don't think anything I say can help so I'm just writing my thoughts. You're in the position right now to freely choose your position with your father, friends, and coworkers. Just my thoughts. ❤️
In a 43-year career I had ONE good manager. During a merit review, he told me “the company will never love you”. This was 43 years ago (I have been “retired” for 5 1/2 years now) and every time I think of past work or potential future work, I remember it.
"And maybe forgiveness is not saying, “It’s fine.” Maybe forgiveness is saying, “It was not fine, but I am done letting it own me.”"
I think this is absolutely it. Forgiveness isn't so much about the other person as it is about freeing ourselves from continuing to carry the weight of what happened.
That doesn't mean what happened was okay. It means we are gradually choosing not to let it continue to own us. And that is a journey that takes time and practice.
Let it go? I don't think that is actually a valid option. It's just an expression. To me it means 'Deal with it.' Which can manifest in several ways. Not all of which are good for you.
' Letting it go' doesn't make sense to me. As an experience that life has afforded you it's now a piece of you. Forever. Learning to live with it is the only valid option in my humble opinion.
Several comments above offer support and suggestions. The choices are yours to make. I offer my support as well.
Every moment we are given is precious. The experience we have each moment is not something to 'Let go of' rather, something to cherish, learn from, and share.
i'm in a similar position these days, often feeling like i can let some things go but there's these heavier parts that i struggle to move on from. i also had/have a stepmom that treated me extremely unkindly as a child. i'd call it emotional abuse. if i am around her for more than 10-15 minutes, i start to really tense up and my old habits of people pleasing and smoothing things over start to come out. when i recall memories of what she did to me, the emotions are still so strong. so much anger and sadness.
it feels like i don't have control over it, that the damage is too severe to be repaired...but there must be some way.
thank you for sharing all this so honestly, and good luck, i hope your readiness to learn will bring on the possibilities of letting go, however that may be.
What you're describing is the part that forgiveness teaching usually skips. It is not pretending the harm didn't happen, and it is not staying close because closeness is expected. For me, it has looked like loving from a distance, holding boundaries while still being the version of myself I want to be, one that believes in the goodness of people and commits to that belief even when individual people have made it hard to. That commitment is its own kind of forgiveness, separate from forgetting and separate from access.
I get it, honestly. I’ve been there: church trauma and dad issues. I have found that when you grow up with the double hit of religious trauma and a fractured relationship with your dad, your baseline for human connection gets completely warped. You’re basically conditioned to believe that love isn't a birthright: it’s a negotiation. You learn to survive by being hyper-vigilant, keeping the peace, and erasing your own boundaries just to stay safe.
The real tragedy is how that follows us into adulthood. We spend years auditioning for people, assuming that if we stop performing for even a second, everyone will leave. It creates this terrifying blind spot: we literally cannot comprehend the idea that someone could just look at us, exactly as we are, and love us effortlessly.
The shift happens (at least for me it did) when I finally stopped hustling for my worth. When you step off that stage and start choosing yourself, your nervous system goes through a profound shock. It’s like your body finally realizes, “Oh, I don’t have to fight or hide to be safe anymore.”
And honestly, the way people talk about forgiveness is usually total garbage. It’s not about neatly wrapping up the trauma or pretending it was okay. It’s just looking at the injustice clearly, accepting that you can't rewrite history, and deciding to stop carrying the punishment. For years, we subconsciously repeat the abuse of the people who failed us—through a brutal inner monologue, self-sabotage, and bad choices. We’re basically running old programming. Radical healing is realizing those harsh voices in your head aren't even yours. They’re just voices of the people who didn’t know how to love you, and you don’t have to listen to them anymore…. That detachment leads to forgiveness. Much love on your healing. Feel free to reach out ♥️❤️🩹
Thank you for this. The line about love feeling like a negotiation really got me, because yes. That is exactly it. I’m still somewhere between wanting to heal and wanting to throw a chair, but it helps so much when someone understands the shape of it. Much love back to you ❤️
I love the brutal honesty. Sorry you're dealing with the residuals of that phone. That's a tough one in today's day and age. If you're looking for something spiritual, I have something I wrote recently. Helped me kick my addictive habits. Figured I'd offer, let me know if you're interested. No worries if not.
ty Seb! yes please share would love to read!
I'm not sure how to "let it go" either. I'm extremely vindictive, too. 😂
Honestly, though, I don't think you need to let it go. It was an experience you've had. You've grown through it, it helped shape who you are today, and it'll continue to shape who you become tomorrow.
Sure you'll look back and still be upset at the time you gave just to be backstabbed, but on the other side--at least you're away from people who wished you harm. You have free reign again to choose who to let in and who to keep boundaries.
Life isn't sunshine and rainbows, much of the time it feels like stormy downpours with brief periods of blue skies. At least that's how I see it.
I don't think anything I say can help so I'm just writing my thoughts. You're in the position right now to freely choose your position with your father, friends, and coworkers. Just my thoughts. ❤️
Much love, Notes!
In a 43-year career I had ONE good manager. During a merit review, he told me “the company will never love you”. This was 43 years ago (I have been “retired” for 5 1/2 years now) and every time I think of past work or potential future work, I remember it.
I guess these days that's more the norm. but still no good bye? after 15 years, only one person? apparently my expectations were way too high 🙃
"And maybe forgiveness is not saying, “It’s fine.” Maybe forgiveness is saying, “It was not fine, but I am done letting it own me.”"
I think this is absolutely it. Forgiveness isn't so much about the other person as it is about freeing ourselves from continuing to carry the weight of what happened.
That doesn't mean what happened was okay. It means we are gradually choosing not to let it continue to own us. And that is a journey that takes time and practice.
ty so much. I need a lot of practice.
That's pretty normal! ☺️ We all do.
ty so much Cory. I really appreciate your thoughts!
Let it go? I don't think that is actually a valid option. It's just an expression. To me it means 'Deal with it.' Which can manifest in several ways. Not all of which are good for you.
' Letting it go' doesn't make sense to me. As an experience that life has afforded you it's now a piece of you. Forever. Learning to live with it is the only valid option in my humble opinion.
Several comments above offer support and suggestions. The choices are yours to make. I offer my support as well.
Every moment we are given is precious. The experience we have each moment is not something to 'Let go of' rather, something to cherish, learn from, and share.
Sincerely,
Dr. J
i'm in a similar position these days, often feeling like i can let some things go but there's these heavier parts that i struggle to move on from. i also had/have a stepmom that treated me extremely unkindly as a child. i'd call it emotional abuse. if i am around her for more than 10-15 minutes, i start to really tense up and my old habits of people pleasing and smoothing things over start to come out. when i recall memories of what she did to me, the emotions are still so strong. so much anger and sadness.
it feels like i don't have control over it, that the damage is too severe to be repaired...but there must be some way.
thank you for sharing all this so honestly, and good luck, i hope your readiness to learn will bring on the possibilities of letting go, however that may be.
What you're describing is the part that forgiveness teaching usually skips. It is not pretending the harm didn't happen, and it is not staying close because closeness is expected. For me, it has looked like loving from a distance, holding boundaries while still being the version of myself I want to be, one that believes in the goodness of people and commits to that belief even when individual people have made it hard to. That commitment is its own kind of forgiveness, separate from forgetting and separate from access.