losing a job of fifteen years then your dog's leg to cancer then your mother to stage four lung cancer and having a friend treat the resulting distance as a personal demotion - that's the entire architecture of conditional friendship in one paragraph. the bridal shower scheduled on the day you put your dog down is almost too precise to be believed but that's exactly why it works. because conditional friends don't do these things on purpose. they do them because your pain was never real enough to factor into their calendar. "some people do not really want the truth of your life" is the sentence that should make everyone inventory their friendships right now. because most people want the curated version. the truth is too heavy and too inconvenient.
I’m so sorry for this lesson. So many people feel entitled to all of your time. I, too, have had to purge some people out of my life for the exact same reason. They made me feel like my worth was what I was willing to give. Never the other way around. And, the saddest part is that I don’t even miss them. Hard lessons, but, I have found that a few really good friends is far more valuable than a group that steals your energy, time and soul. Love to you….its been a rough road lately, huh?
I know it's been almost a month since you recommended this on my post but, I've unfortunately not had much reading time myself. Apologies for that. Reading this is so emotionally touching. It makes me realise how life can get unpredictable at any one moment and suddenly decide to avenge every wrong thing you've ever done, challenge everything you believed was going to stay. I hope life gives you a gentler way through all this and more.
I truly appreciate you reading and am happy you had such a great response. I'm in a better place right now but still bracing for anything else that might hit me in the face lol! thank you again for reading Hazel!
Damn Kate. That's a painfully hefty list of hardships; kind of makes the whole conflict with JJ feel almost absurd in hindsight, & yet I know it didn't feel absurd while you were living it. Being stretched like that really doesn't leave room to also manage someone else's feelings about your bandwidth, & having to do it anyway on top of everything else --- that's really exhausting.
& the ending, I kind of hate how much it resonated.
some people do not really want the truth of your life, they want a version of you that keeps proving they matter --- I've lived that exact realization; it's such a specific kind of grief, losing the idea of a friendship rather than the person themselves --- I'm sorry you had to through that kind of grief on top of everything else 🫠
Thank you so much for this. You really understood what I was trying to say. It does feel almost absurd in hindsight, but in the middle of it, it was one more thing I somehow had to carry when I was already carrying too much. And yes, that ending is the grief of it exactly. Sometimes you don’t just lose the friendship, you lose who you thought the friendship was. That part still stings. I’m sorry you’ve lived that too, but it does help to know someone else understands it.
We’ve all had a JJ or two. I’m so sorry for the struggles you’ve had since August. Those are some heavy things. Funny how they lead to you being able to let go of another anchor. Now, when the dust finally settles and you can breathe again, you won’t have that weight around your neck.
Sending my best. I truly hope things are on the upswing. Thank you for sharing this piece. It is very relatable.
Thank you so much for your kind words. There have actually been even more rough patches since I wrote that, so honestly I’m grateful I didn’t also have to carry the worry of JJ being offended by my lack of bandwidth. I always felt like she had a kind heart, but she could also be strangely unaware of what other people were carrying. I really appreciate your encouragement, and I’m hoping things are finally starting to ease up a little.
Thank you so much for this. You put it beautifully, especially the part about what kind of connection truly has room for our humanity. That feels exactly right. Some of the hardest clarity comes that way. I really appreciate your kindness. 💗
Wow! I can't believe we've written basically the same thing! We've even used similar words 😂
I guess it's quite common that what a lot of us call a friend is something different to someone elses version of friend. It's a shame really. How difficult it is for others to see how their behaviour impacts other people.
And you're right about how realising they can't or won't reciprocate is a lonely feeling. One day, you have what you think is a friend for life. The next day you're wondering how they can be so careless in ways that you wouldn't be for them It makes you feel like you did something wrong doesn't it? Like, how could you not see all this before?
But, neither you, nor I, can predict how our friends will behave when shit hits rhe fan. The main thing is that we're a good friend. It seems like you know how to be that too.
It really is such a lonely feeling, and yes, it absolutely makes you wonder what you missed or what you did wrong. That part hit me hard too. I think that’s what makes it so disorienting, going from believing someone is a friend for life to realizing they do not show up with the same care you would have given them. You’re right though, we can’t predict how people will act when life gets hard. All we can do is try to be the kind of friend we would want in those moments. Thank you for this. It really resonated with me.
It was well written. Some people do t understand the true value behind friendship. Friendship means supportung each other when you are at your lowest moments. Friendship means understanding, kindness and empathy to your loved ones. If someone doesn't show it mostly or they are using you for their own benefit it's not friendship. It's something else.
Thank you. This really means a lot. That was the hardest part to understand, that what I thought was friendship may have depended on me being useful. Real friendship should have room for both people’s hard moments.
Oh, Kate, this one hurts. I’ve had friendships like this too, and it took me a long time to see them for what they were and then even longer to let go and heal from them.
That line about some friendships only being able to hold your availability really hit. Because yes, some people are great with the version of us who show up, answers, smooths things over, and makes them feel important. But they don’t always know what to do with the version of us who is exhausted, grieving, overwhelmed, or just... human.
Honestly, I think even being able to see that, to stop trying to prove your heart to someone who has already decided their version of the story, shows you’re already on the path to healing. Hard, painful, unfair… but still healing.
Thank you so much for this. You understood exactly what I was trying to say. That was the hardest part to name, realizing that some friendships can hold the version of us who shows up, answers, smooths things over, and makes people feel cared for, but not the version who is exhausted, grieving, overwhelmed, or simply human.
I’m sorry you’ve known friendships like this too. It hurts so much to finally see them clearly, but there is also relief in no longer trying to prove your heart to someone who has already decided what story they want to believe about you.
For what it’s worth, I think the fact that you can feel that relief now says a lot. To me, that sounds like healing has already started. And honestly, I think that’s where forgiveness can start, too. Not saying what happened was okay, but just loosening the grip it has on you a little bit. ❤️
This makes me think of several people in my own friend group. Thank you for this, I know someone who could use a text about now to say, "I'm thinking of you."
Thank you for sharing this. I had just started, and your line, "which [friends] turn your absence into a statement about them," stopped my breath. First of all, I'm so sorry for the losses life made you go through... This is a time when your friends should have congregated around you, become your shelter, and instead, they had their own qualms about their own attention.
I loved your line, "Because once you realize a friendship feels like work instead of comfort, and like something you have to manage instead of just live inside, you stop trying so hard to win it back." This is so true. Also, thank you for writing about friendships. Friendships go through the same complex nuances that romantic relationships go through, and sometimes break our hearts or teach us lifelong lessons the same way romantic ones do.
But better is coming. I'm sure of it. I do believe that once lessons are learned, the same one is not given again. Or if it is, you can recognize it much more quickly and thus remove yourself much more quickly.
Thank you so much for this. Your line about friends gathering around you and becoming your shelter really got me. That is exactly what I think I was grieving too, not just the losses themselves, but the realization that some people could not make room for them. I’m so grateful you took the time to read this so closely and share such a thoughtful response.
JJ’s immaturity speaks volumes. We all come across people that we think are friends but instead end up being a lesson as to what you do not want. I’m glad you have other people in your life with maturity and empathy rather than self-centered and passive aggressive behavior.
losing a job of fifteen years then your dog's leg to cancer then your mother to stage four lung cancer and having a friend treat the resulting distance as a personal demotion - that's the entire architecture of conditional friendship in one paragraph. the bridal shower scheduled on the day you put your dog down is almost too precise to be believed but that's exactly why it works. because conditional friends don't do these things on purpose. they do them because your pain was never real enough to factor into their calendar. "some people do not really want the truth of your life" is the sentence that should make everyone inventory their friendships right now. because most people want the curated version. the truth is too heavy and too inconvenient.
Thank you. I think grace is the dividing line. Some people can hold the truth of your life and some only want the curated version.
I’m so sorry for this lesson. So many people feel entitled to all of your time. I, too, have had to purge some people out of my life for the exact same reason. They made me feel like my worth was what I was willing to give. Never the other way around. And, the saddest part is that I don’t even miss them. Hard lessons, but, I have found that a few really good friends is far more valuable than a group that steals your energy, time and soul. Love to you….its been a rough road lately, huh?
thank you so much Rachael. I wonder why I don't see it sometimes but I think you don't want to until it kicks you in the face. hard.
I never see it. Not until it’s too late. It’s because you probably believe most people are like you….thats always my downfall.
this is so beautifully written, my heart
I know it's been almost a month since you recommended this on my post but, I've unfortunately not had much reading time myself. Apologies for that. Reading this is so emotionally touching. It makes me realise how life can get unpredictable at any one moment and suddenly decide to avenge every wrong thing you've ever done, challenge everything you believed was going to stay. I hope life gives you a gentler way through all this and more.
I truly appreciate you reading and am happy you had such a great response. I'm in a better place right now but still bracing for anything else that might hit me in the face lol! thank you again for reading Hazel!
Damn Kate. That's a painfully hefty list of hardships; kind of makes the whole conflict with JJ feel almost absurd in hindsight, & yet I know it didn't feel absurd while you were living it. Being stretched like that really doesn't leave room to also manage someone else's feelings about your bandwidth, & having to do it anyway on top of everything else --- that's really exhausting.
& the ending, I kind of hate how much it resonated.
some people do not really want the truth of your life, they want a version of you that keeps proving they matter --- I've lived that exact realization; it's such a specific kind of grief, losing the idea of a friendship rather than the person themselves --- I'm sorry you had to through that kind of grief on top of everything else 🫠
Thank you so much for this. You really understood what I was trying to say. It does feel almost absurd in hindsight, but in the middle of it, it was one more thing I somehow had to carry when I was already carrying too much. And yes, that ending is the grief of it exactly. Sometimes you don’t just lose the friendship, you lose who you thought the friendship was. That part still stings. I’m sorry you’ve lived that too, but it does help to know someone else understands it.
Yeah, I totally heare you. It's like the last straw breaking the camel's back thing. & of course, glad to give comfort in camaradie. (:
We’ve all had a JJ or two. I’m so sorry for the struggles you’ve had since August. Those are some heavy things. Funny how they lead to you being able to let go of another anchor. Now, when the dust finally settles and you can breathe again, you won’t have that weight around your neck.
Sending my best. I truly hope things are on the upswing. Thank you for sharing this piece. It is very relatable.
Thank you so much for your kind words. There have actually been even more rough patches since I wrote that, so honestly I’m grateful I didn’t also have to carry the worry of JJ being offended by my lack of bandwidth. I always felt like she had a kind heart, but she could also be strangely unaware of what other people were carrying. I really appreciate your encouragement, and I’m hoping things are finally starting to ease up a little.
Good things for you.
And fuck JJ. 🌷
right? I'm still so disturbed by that. my husband still talks to her on occasion.
I probably wouldn’t be as gracious as you about that. 😂
This is such a vulnerable reflection on grief, friendship, and the painful clarity that comes with seeing relationships differently.
Sometimes the hardest seasons reveal not only who stands beside us but what kind of connection truly has room for our humanity.
Wishing you gentleness as you continue carrying and releasing what was never yours alone to hold. 🩷
Thank you so much for this. You put it beautifully, especially the part about what kind of connection truly has room for our humanity. That feels exactly right. Some of the hardest clarity comes that way. I really appreciate your kindness. 💗
I’m so sorry i wish i could give you a big hug 🤗
this got me emotional
Wow! I can't believe we've written basically the same thing! We've even used similar words 😂
I guess it's quite common that what a lot of us call a friend is something different to someone elses version of friend. It's a shame really. How difficult it is for others to see how their behaviour impacts other people.
And you're right about how realising they can't or won't reciprocate is a lonely feeling. One day, you have what you think is a friend for life. The next day you're wondering how they can be so careless in ways that you wouldn't be for them It makes you feel like you did something wrong doesn't it? Like, how could you not see all this before?
But, neither you, nor I, can predict how our friends will behave when shit hits rhe fan. The main thing is that we're a good friend. It seems like you know how to be that too.
It really is such a lonely feeling, and yes, it absolutely makes you wonder what you missed or what you did wrong. That part hit me hard too. I think that’s what makes it so disorienting, going from believing someone is a friend for life to realizing they do not show up with the same care you would have given them. You’re right though, we can’t predict how people will act when life gets hard. All we can do is try to be the kind of friend we would want in those moments. Thank you for this. It really resonated with me.
It was well written. Some people do t understand the true value behind friendship. Friendship means supportung each other when you are at your lowest moments. Friendship means understanding, kindness and empathy to your loved ones. If someone doesn't show it mostly or they are using you for their own benefit it's not friendship. It's something else.
Thank you. This really means a lot. That was the hardest part to understand, that what I thought was friendship may have depended on me being useful. Real friendship should have room for both people’s hard moments.
Oh, Kate, this one hurts. I’ve had friendships like this too, and it took me a long time to see them for what they were and then even longer to let go and heal from them.
That line about some friendships only being able to hold your availability really hit. Because yes, some people are great with the version of us who show up, answers, smooths things over, and makes them feel important. But they don’t always know what to do with the version of us who is exhausted, grieving, overwhelmed, or just... human.
Honestly, I think even being able to see that, to stop trying to prove your heart to someone who has already decided their version of the story, shows you’re already on the path to healing. Hard, painful, unfair… but still healing.
Thank you so much for this. You understood exactly what I was trying to say. That was the hardest part to name, realizing that some friendships can hold the version of us who shows up, answers, smooths things over, and makes people feel cared for, but not the version who is exhausted, grieving, overwhelmed, or simply human.
I’m sorry you’ve known friendships like this too. It hurts so much to finally see them clearly, but there is also relief in no longer trying to prove your heart to someone who has already decided what story they want to believe about you.
For what it’s worth, I think the fact that you can feel that relief now says a lot. To me, that sounds like healing has already started. And honestly, I think that’s where forgiveness can start, too. Not saying what happened was okay, but just loosening the grip it has on you a little bit. ❤️
This makes me think of several people in my own friend group. Thank you for this, I know someone who could use a text about now to say, "I'm thinking of you."
Thank you for sharing this. I had just started, and your line, "which [friends] turn your absence into a statement about them," stopped my breath. First of all, I'm so sorry for the losses life made you go through... This is a time when your friends should have congregated around you, become your shelter, and instead, they had their own qualms about their own attention.
I loved your line, "Because once you realize a friendship feels like work instead of comfort, and like something you have to manage instead of just live inside, you stop trying so hard to win it back." This is so true. Also, thank you for writing about friendships. Friendships go through the same complex nuances that romantic relationships go through, and sometimes break our hearts or teach us lifelong lessons the same way romantic ones do.
But better is coming. I'm sure of it. I do believe that once lessons are learned, the same one is not given again. Or if it is, you can recognize it much more quickly and thus remove yourself much more quickly.
Thank you so much for this. Your line about friends gathering around you and becoming your shelter really got me. That is exactly what I think I was grieving too, not just the losses themselves, but the realization that some people could not make room for them. I’m so grateful you took the time to read this so closely and share such a thoughtful response.
JJ’s immaturity speaks volumes. We all come across people that we think are friends but instead end up being a lesson as to what you do not want. I’m glad you have other people in your life with maturity and empathy rather than self-centered and passive aggressive behavior.
Beautifully written and a big lesson on not giving too much to people that don't deserve it ❤️🩹