losing a job of fifteen years then your dog's leg to cancer then your mother to stage four lung cancer and having a friend treat the resulting distance as a personal demotion - that's the entire architecture of conditional friendship in one paragraph. the bridal shower scheduled on the day you put your dog down is almost too precise to be believed but that's exactly why it works. because conditional friends don't do these things on purpose. they do them because your pain was never real enough to factor into their calendar. "some people do not really want the truth of your life" is the sentence that should make everyone inventory their friendships right now. because most people want the curated version. the truth is too heavy and too inconvenient.
I’m so sorry for this lesson. So many people feel entitled to all of your time. I, too, have had to purge some people out of my life for the exact same reason. They made me feel like my worth was what I was willing to give. Never the other way around. And, the saddest part is that I don’t even miss them. Hard lessons, but, I have found that a few really good friends is far more valuable than a group that steals your energy, time and soul. Love to you….its been a rough road lately, huh?
This makes me think of several people in my own friend group. Thank you for this, I know someone who could use a text about now to say, "I'm thinking of you."
Thank you for sharing this. I had just started, and your line, "which [friends] turn your absence into a statement about them," stopped my breath. First of all, I'm so sorry for the losses life made you go through... This is a time when your friends should have congregated around you, become your shelter, and instead, they had their own qualms about their own attention.
I loved your line, "Because once you realize a friendship feels like work instead of comfort, and like something you have to manage instead of just live inside, you stop trying so hard to win it back." This is so true. Also, thank you for writing about friendships. Friendships go through the same complex nuances that romantic relationships go through, and sometimes break our hearts or teach us lifelong lessons the same way romantic ones do.
But better is coming. I'm sure of it. I do believe that once lessons are learned, the same one is not given again. Or if it is, you can recognize it much more quickly and thus remove yourself much more quickly.
JJ’s immaturity speaks volumes. We all come across people that we think are friends but instead end up being a lesson as to what you do not want. I’m glad you have other people in your life with maturity and empathy rather than self-centered and passive aggressive behavior.
Friends who only focus on availability are not true friends. Real friends help others through tough times. Thank you for sharing that lesson to everyone.
❤️ I am sorry. Something similar happened individually with me several years ago. When this person finally revealed to me how they were feeling, it was so distorted and embedded in her soul that nothing I said could change it. I just had to walk away. 🫂
ty so much I appreciate that. I feel like my life is getting to a new normal but didn't anticipate the lack of understanding from my supposed friend. it makes me very sad.
It leaves a slow, cooling feeling after reading it. It’s not about deciding who is right or wrong, but more about realizing that some people care more about “being replied to” than about “what the other person is actually going through.”
There’s also a kind of quiet emotional exhaustion. The gap becomes very clear: on one side, someone whose life is close to falling apart, and on the other, someone who feels ignored. Both emotions are real, but they just don’t connect.
Then it naturally leads to reflection. Some friendships aren’t necessarily shallow, they just have limited capacity. Once life becomes chaotic, the relationship starts to lose balance as well. It also brings up the thought of whether there are people in life who are fine in happiness, but unable to stay steady through chaos.
In the end, what remains isn’t anger, but a clearer sense of distance, realizing that not every relationship has the capacity to walk someone through a real life.
You're very welcome! I agree, it’s not always about who is wrong, but rather about the different decisions people make. On the other hand, it's a gift to find people who share our direction and values; that’s where real connection happens.
"That may be the saddest part. In her version of friendship, people are either proving your importance or quietly betraying it." I know a lot of people like this.
Sorry to hear of the really rough stretch of road you have travelled. You build friendships in your youth, grow them in your 30-40s. Then you get to a point where you realize who are acquaintances, casual friends, friends, and finally your inner circle. Just stop texting or calling everyone for a month. See what happens. You will find those truly worth your effort.
this is great advice. thank you so much. it does feel better that I'm not the only one that has experienced it but I'm sorry for anyone who has too....
losing a job of fifteen years then your dog's leg to cancer then your mother to stage four lung cancer and having a friend treat the resulting distance as a personal demotion - that's the entire architecture of conditional friendship in one paragraph. the bridal shower scheduled on the day you put your dog down is almost too precise to be believed but that's exactly why it works. because conditional friends don't do these things on purpose. they do them because your pain was never real enough to factor into their calendar. "some people do not really want the truth of your life" is the sentence that should make everyone inventory their friendships right now. because most people want the curated version. the truth is too heavy and too inconvenient.
Thank you. I think grace is the dividing line. Some people can hold the truth of your life and some only want the curated version.
I’m so sorry for this lesson. So many people feel entitled to all of your time. I, too, have had to purge some people out of my life for the exact same reason. They made me feel like my worth was what I was willing to give. Never the other way around. And, the saddest part is that I don’t even miss them. Hard lessons, but, I have found that a few really good friends is far more valuable than a group that steals your energy, time and soul. Love to you….its been a rough road lately, huh?
thank you so much Rachael. I wonder why I don't see it sometimes but I think you don't want to until it kicks you in the face. hard.
I never see it. Not until it’s too late. It’s because you probably believe most people are like you….thats always my downfall.
This makes me think of several people in my own friend group. Thank you for this, I know someone who could use a text about now to say, "I'm thinking of you."
Thank you for sharing this. I had just started, and your line, "which [friends] turn your absence into a statement about them," stopped my breath. First of all, I'm so sorry for the losses life made you go through... This is a time when your friends should have congregated around you, become your shelter, and instead, they had their own qualms about their own attention.
I loved your line, "Because once you realize a friendship feels like work instead of comfort, and like something you have to manage instead of just live inside, you stop trying so hard to win it back." This is so true. Also, thank you for writing about friendships. Friendships go through the same complex nuances that romantic relationships go through, and sometimes break our hearts or teach us lifelong lessons the same way romantic ones do.
But better is coming. I'm sure of it. I do believe that once lessons are learned, the same one is not given again. Or if it is, you can recognize it much more quickly and thus remove yourself much more quickly.
JJ’s immaturity speaks volumes. We all come across people that we think are friends but instead end up being a lesson as to what you do not want. I’m glad you have other people in your life with maturity and empathy rather than self-centered and passive aggressive behavior.
Beautifully written and a big lesson on not giving too much to people that don't deserve it ❤️🩹
Friends who only focus on availability are not true friends. Real friends help others through tough times. Thank you for sharing that lesson to everyone.
❤️ I am sorry. Something similar happened individually with me several years ago. When this person finally revealed to me how they were feeling, it was so distorted and embedded in her soul that nothing I said could change it. I just had to walk away. 🫂
This is hard. Some friendships are not meant to last forever. People grow up. People change. Someone I know said he was the same guy since 1991.
He definitely is not. I told him I certainly was different.
I believe it can be for marriages too. Some are not meant to be last. I think who you are with now, the people you are with now, is for this season.
So sorry you are going through all this!
ty so much I appreciate that. I feel like my life is getting to a new normal but didn't anticipate the lack of understanding from my supposed friend. it makes me very sad.
It leaves a slow, cooling feeling after reading it. It’s not about deciding who is right or wrong, but more about realizing that some people care more about “being replied to” than about “what the other person is actually going through.”
There’s also a kind of quiet emotional exhaustion. The gap becomes very clear: on one side, someone whose life is close to falling apart, and on the other, someone who feels ignored. Both emotions are real, but they just don’t connect.
Then it naturally leads to reflection. Some friendships aren’t necessarily shallow, they just have limited capacity. Once life becomes chaotic, the relationship starts to lose balance as well. It also brings up the thought of whether there are people in life who are fine in happiness, but unable to stay steady through chaos.
In the end, what remains isn’t anger, but a clearer sense of distance, realizing that not every relationship has the capacity to walk someone through a real life.
thanks so much Alix. Sometimes nobody is fully wrong, but the disconnect can reveal who has grace for what someone else might be going through.
You're very welcome! I agree, it’s not always about who is wrong, but rather about the different decisions people make. On the other hand, it's a gift to find people who share our direction and values; that’s where real connection happens.
I hear this and relate.
Losing friends can be so painful! I am sorry it has been rough overall. This is a wonderfully honest piece of writing that many people can relate to.
"That may be the saddest part. In her version of friendship, people are either proving your importance or quietly betraying it." I know a lot of people like this.
Great piece, have a wonderful day!
Sorry to hear of the really rough stretch of road you have travelled. You build friendships in your youth, grow them in your 30-40s. Then you get to a point where you realize who are acquaintances, casual friends, friends, and finally your inner circle. Just stop texting or calling everyone for a month. See what happens. You will find those truly worth your effort.
this is great advice. thank you so much. it does feel better that I'm not the only one that has experienced it but I'm sorry for anyone who has too....
definitely not alone;)
I felt this deeply. Like you I am too tired. I just let go.
sorry you've had this happen too. it's like all the people in my life have changed like 95% since this time last year. and i need this??
I’ve had it happen as severely as you. It’s devastating honestly. We were friends as long as I was useful and catered to her needs.