I like the chapter overall, however If I might add in a suggestion as a dog owner myself. Once a dog bolts you won't catch it, they are too fast for humans. The only way to grab it in my experience is to get it to slow down somehow and I wonder if that could be incorporated to your writing. Maybe a call to stop, or someone else intervenes, maybe the dog gets distracted at the last second? I realise that the dog being jumped on is significant to the plot but I just can't understand how it could happen until the animal reaches its goal and naturally stops, at which point jumping on it seems unnecessary and the leash could simply be picked up. Thank you for sharing and I'm keen to see what happens in the next chapter :)
I really appreciate that. I may tweak it so there's a reason she slows down. Being a big reader myself sometimes details like this get me hung up so glad you shared. 💙💜❤️
Just wanted to tag onto this comment after reading the story (and I am in no way disregarding Laziliez, factually, as a husky owner, you are 1000% correct haha). However I am going to play devil's advocate as a distant observer of one small piece of your book and its short summary at the top.
If you are writing a metaphysical drama a la 'The Life of Chuck', then I would push against needing to sand down and quantify every bit of minutiae, as the idea of alternate realities etc. really can't be. Part of the magic of these stories, especially stories that play with time, reality, and the connectedness of all things is that little aberrant moments work...additionally, quoting Clancy "the difference between reality and fiction? fiction has to make sense". Which I actually look to in the inverse, if you are trying to paint a realistic world, then sometimes choosing the unlikely thing, the unpredictable thing, the unrealistic thing, is the most realistic and reality-affirming thing you can do. I like the dog pausing, I like the narrator noticing, but not knowing why. I think it is a strong beat.
This is really helpful, especially the point about not sanding down the strange moments. That’s exactly the line I’m trying to walk, so it’s good to hear that beat is working. If you’d ever like to read more, I’d be happy to send it along. No pressure at all.
I have no horse in this race. Just an English teacher… not a publisher. As a random reader who does not own a pet, I went back to reread the passage after reading the comments. Quite frankly, I thought the line that said “That tiny pause was the only reason I reached her at all,” gave the reader enough context to make the visual scene believable. But again, like I said, I’m no expert I’m just a dog-less reader. I too, liked the dog pausing and the narrator noticing. I agree the author should keep the scene as it is. 🥴💕
No worries. It's funny, I just thought about you as I was out walking my dog this lunchtime and watched as a lady lost control of her Spaniel dog and it ran up to mine. There's no way she could have dove down and caught it to grab the dog around the chest. It ran like greased lightning toward me to play and was like 0 - 30 mph in the blink of an eye.
I realise this is integral to the plot and having read the next chapter now I see that the person ends up in hospital. I was trying to think of a solution and I wonder if the dog could have on an extending leash, and as it bolts and it is free for a time, until the leash snaps tight, and maybe pulls the owner over and into the path of traffic? Maybe then the dog guiltily returns and they hug before the person passes out?
Powerful opening excerpt. The raw urgency of chasing Zee into traffic, blended with grief and the shift into alternate reality, is gripping. The emotional weight of loss and the vivid, disorienting vision scenes stand out. Strong hook for the novel.
Do you think I should sell my art. It’s been I. 6 my flatfile for almost 40 years, and I’m having a hard time wanting to part with it, utter flying and honeydipd, I’m enjoying you m. AKL OF ,Y CHILDREN SRE DEAD, IM NOTA HRANDNOTHIR💤🔥🦄🎶🫥dead today * hear something tired of this fuckrduck gsmrx,. Not real sny or any other aliens laughing friends 🤯
Very few chapter posts will grab my attention the full way through. The way you molded the beginning sentences to communicate the correct amount of urgency and gravity is amazing. I am very excited to read more.
Definitely a great intro! I don't really know what to say that hasn't already been said. I like how it's enough to know what happened without coming out and actually saying what did. And the fact that there are enough questions to keep going is a great pull. Well done, it's on my ever growing list of things to read!
This chapter was a wild ride. I felt disoriented reading it which is fantastic. The Trader Joe’s line caught me so off guard I loved it. Will DM with deeper notes. But awesome concept. Excited to read the rest
As a person who prefers a dog over a human, you had me from the beginning. And, I’ve been there. My sweet Bella Houdini’d herself right out of her collar and bolted when she was still a pup ….she made it, but, my heart…..I’ll never forget that feeling.
I like the chapter overall, however If I might add in a suggestion as a dog owner myself. Once a dog bolts you won't catch it, they are too fast for humans. The only way to grab it in my experience is to get it to slow down somehow and I wonder if that could be incorporated to your writing. Maybe a call to stop, or someone else intervenes, maybe the dog gets distracted at the last second? I realise that the dog being jumped on is significant to the plot but I just can't understand how it could happen until the animal reaches its goal and naturally stops, at which point jumping on it seems unnecessary and the leash could simply be picked up. Thank you for sharing and I'm keen to see what happens in the next chapter :)
I really appreciate that. I may tweak it so there's a reason she slows down. Being a big reader myself sometimes details like this get me hung up so glad you shared. 💙💜❤️
Just wanted to tag onto this comment after reading the story (and I am in no way disregarding Laziliez, factually, as a husky owner, you are 1000% correct haha). However I am going to play devil's advocate as a distant observer of one small piece of your book and its short summary at the top.
If you are writing a metaphysical drama a la 'The Life of Chuck', then I would push against needing to sand down and quantify every bit of minutiae, as the idea of alternate realities etc. really can't be. Part of the magic of these stories, especially stories that play with time, reality, and the connectedness of all things is that little aberrant moments work...additionally, quoting Clancy "the difference between reality and fiction? fiction has to make sense". Which I actually look to in the inverse, if you are trying to paint a realistic world, then sometimes choosing the unlikely thing, the unpredictable thing, the unrealistic thing, is the most realistic and reality-affirming thing you can do. I like the dog pausing, I like the narrator noticing, but not knowing why. I think it is a strong beat.
This is really helpful, especially the point about not sanding down the strange moments. That’s exactly the line I’m trying to walk, so it’s good to hear that beat is working. If you’d ever like to read more, I’d be happy to send it along. No pressure at all.
I have no horse in this race. Just an English teacher… not a publisher. As a random reader who does not own a pet, I went back to reread the passage after reading the comments. Quite frankly, I thought the line that said “That tiny pause was the only reason I reached her at all,” gave the reader enough context to make the visual scene believable. But again, like I said, I’m no expert I’m just a dog-less reader. I too, liked the dog pausing and the narrator noticing. I agree the author should keep the scene as it is. 🥴💕
No worries. It's funny, I just thought about you as I was out walking my dog this lunchtime and watched as a lady lost control of her Spaniel dog and it ran up to mine. There's no way she could have dove down and caught it to grab the dog around the chest. It ran like greased lightning toward me to play and was like 0 - 30 mph in the blink of an eye.
I realise this is integral to the plot and having read the next chapter now I see that the person ends up in hospital. I was trying to think of a solution and I wonder if the dog could have on an extending leash, and as it bolts and it is free for a time, until the leash snaps tight, and maybe pulls the owner over and into the path of traffic? Maybe then the dog guiltily returns and they hug before the person passes out?
That's of course if you actually know this. If you don't know this you might try to catch it.
But also, reacting instinctively... You know what I mean?
Since this comes up later on, this might be a good idea for later, though :)
I like it very much! I’m so glad Ian DM Taniels encouraged you!
Ty so much 💓
Powerful opening excerpt. The raw urgency of chasing Zee into traffic, blended with grief and the shift into alternate reality, is gripping. The emotional weight of loss and the vivid, disorienting vision scenes stand out. Strong hook for the novel.
You look so good these days-😱however you always looked beautiful 🤿🛼🪁
Do you think I should sell my art. It’s been I. 6 my flatfile for almost 40 years, and I’m having a hard time wanting to part with it, utter flying and honeydipd, I’m enjoying you m. AKL OF ,Y CHILDREN SRE DEAD, IM NOTA HRANDNOTHIR💤🔥🦄🎶🫥dead today * hear something tired of this fuckrduck gsmrx,. Not real sny or any other aliens laughing friends 🤯
Very few chapter posts will grab my attention the full way through. The way you molded the beginning sentences to communicate the correct amount of urgency and gravity is amazing. I am very excited to read more.
that is so good to hear, thank you so much for that feedback!
Of course. It was a joy to read.
Lovely! A very wild ride for a first chapter!
Awesome job and I'll see if I can find more! ❤️
So funny that someone responded with catching-a-dog advice. I'm here for this, love it let's gooo! 🖤
Definitely a great intro! I don't really know what to say that hasn't already been said. I like how it's enough to know what happened without coming out and actually saying what did. And the fact that there are enough questions to keep going is a great pull. Well done, it's on my ever growing list of things to read!
This chapter was a wild ride. I felt disoriented reading it which is fantastic. The Trader Joe’s line caught me so off guard I loved it. Will DM with deeper notes. But awesome concept. Excited to read the rest
“Zee wasn’t just a dog. She was gravity with fur.”
Yep, that’s it, I’m done, hand her the keys to the universe~
Grief said 'portal', reality said 'Trader Joe’s', and Zee just held everything together like it was her job.
Ten pages in and I already trust the dog more than physics.
As a person who prefers a dog over a human, you had me from the beginning. And, I’ve been there. My sweet Bella Houdini’d herself right out of her collar and bolted when she was still a pup ….she made it, but, my heart…..I’ll never forget that feeling.
Can't wait to read more!!!
Here's what I've released so far
https://open.substack.com/pub/katekara/p/start-here-table-of-contents-ej-donovan?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=179nz2
That makes my day!!! Thank you for reading!
Our pets truly are fury Angels, whether they are with us in flesh and spirit, or just around in spirit ♥️
They really touch your soul. I refuse to believe they are ever gone!
Well, what happens next? I need to know, got really drawn into this beginning!
That makes me so happy! Thank you! Here's what I've released so far
https://open.substack.com/pub/katekara/p/start-here-table-of-contents-ej-donovan?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=179nz2
woah cool! i cant wait to read the rest of your work
I just posted the next chapter! https://open.substack.com/pub/katekara/p/the-room-where-she-waited?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=179nz2
Ty so much! That makes me so happy 😊