Love. Such a complicated dynamic to understand. As a chronic saboteur, I felt this deeply. Somehow I unconsciously found a way to sabotage every good thing that ever happened because my own self worth was so low. Perhaps, Patrick was/is a mirror. He is reflecting back to you all the good, the magic and how lovable you truly are. To him, your worth far exceeds mistakes. Especially when those mistakes were rooted in a misaligned value of yourself. That man sounds like a keeper. One that can truly see you for all of your worth. ❤️❤️❤️ This for sure was hard to write, and yet, I bet you feel some relief getting it out. Much love to you.
Rachael, this made me tear up. Thank you for seeing it so clearly. Chronic saboteur is exactly it. I think I was so used to being treated badly that steadiness felt suspicious, like I had to test it or ruin it or it would just disappear on its own anyway. Patrick really was a mirror like that. He saw something I could not see in myself yet. And yes, writing it was hard, but it did feel like letting the shame out into the light. Much love back to you. ❤️
I love this. I love the honesty. The insight. The self reflection. The Patrick!! And, most of all, I love the fact that you wrote it. It’s so beautiful….
People don't love the bad parts. You're not giving yourself credit for the good parts, the ones they truly loved. You stole from them, but you must have given them something far more than the material items you took to have them pull you in. Even the woman who was not your biggest fan was deeply involved. Somewhere deep inside, there was something worth loving.
Shannon, thank you. This really hit me. I think I’m still learning how to separate the things I did from the whole person I was. At the time, I could only see the shame. Maybe they saw something worth loving before I could. ❤️
They must of, otherwise this would be a wholly different story. I bet you're better for it, too, even if you may not entirely realize it. Something turned you around, and here you are with all of us!
Really enjoyed reading this piece, the narrator is such a strong likeable character in spite of her flaws...exactly what the title suggests. Love, like...they are so nuanced and never black and white.
I too have many many regrets and am ashamed and hurt at the hurt I have caused others. I have reached out to the ones I know am praying that when God sees fit he will allow those I’ve harmed or something that is keeping us apart to come forth and give me a chance to hear them out and allow me the chance to make it right. And put the rest in Gods hands . Thank you for this
Dawn, this is such an honest and humble thing to share. I think all we can really do is take responsibility where we can, try to make amends when the opportunity is there, and trust God with the rest. That does not erase the pain, but it does matter. I’m glad this resonated with you. ❤️
I think what makes this so powerful is that it refuses to simplify either love or people. You allow your past self to remain complicated, and in doing so, you remind us that grace isn’t about pretending the ugly parts never existed. It’s about someone seeing them clearly and choosing not to let them become the whole story. Thank you for trusting your readers with something so deeply personal. 🤍
What stayed with me most is the idea that shame often expects rejection before love has the chance to prove itself. Sometimes the hardest part isn't being seen for our flaws—it's believing someone can see them and still choose to stay. Thank you for such an honest and vulnerable reflection.
What stayed with me most was the way you refused to polish the past into something cleaner. You let the younger version of yourself be complicated: ashamed, immature, wounded, dishonest, scared, and still worthy of love. That is not easy to write honestly.
“Before Patrick, I thought love was something that disappeared the minute someone saw the ugly parts. Patrick saw them and stayed.” That line feels like the heart of the essay.
I also loved the way you wrote about grace without making it sentimental. Patrick’s love, Meg’s forgiveness, even his mother telling him to go get you. None of it is neat. None of it erases the harm. But it shows how love can sometimes meet us before we know how to become someone we can live with.
This piece is painful, funny, accountable, and deeply moving.
Dani, thank you. This means so much. I think the hardest part was not cleaning it up too much or making younger me either innocent or terrible. She was complicated. I was complicated. And you’re right, none of the love erased the harm, but it met me before I knew how to become someone I could live with. That line really got me. ❤️
Sometimes I have found myself in a place of sabotage, inside a toxic dynamic I could not understand, because I was afraid.
And yet I did not always know what I was afraid of. Fear is so deeply entangled with our essence that it becomes instinct - quiet, automatic, almost invisible while it is happening.
Jeanne, I really get this. Sometimes fear doesn’t even feel like fear when you’re in it. It just feels like instinct, like this is what I have to do to survive or protect myself. It’s only later you can look back and think, oh, that was fear running the whole show. Thank you for putting it this way. ❤️
Kate, this is a masterclass in accountability. You named the theft, the lying, the shame, and the survival behind it without dressing it up or making excuses. That is not easy to do.
The fact that Patrick and Meg loved you through it is beautiful. The fact that you can see it now, and write about it like this, tells me you are not that “damaged little shithead version” anymore. You are someone who can hold the ugly parts without being ruled by them. That’s huge. Thank you for letting us see it. 🙏💗
Wow, this was deep! There are very few people that have both the self awareness and the emotional intelligence to recognize your behaviour and see that it was an unconscious act of sabotage. Just shows the power of love and how it transcends most logic.
it must have been so hard to write about what you would take. do you know why you did it? i'm nobody, but you come very highly recommended, and i would like to know.
Christopher, thank you. I think I’m only starting to understand why. Somewhere early on, I learned that when you did something shameful, affection disappeared and you got sent away from the room. So maybe part of me was repeating that pattern and waiting for the old punishment. Patrick didn’t punish me. He knew, made a joke, and stayed. That’s the part that still gets me. ❤️
"A beautiful perspective on human fallibility and the healing grace of love. It really resonates deeply."
Love. Such a complicated dynamic to understand. As a chronic saboteur, I felt this deeply. Somehow I unconsciously found a way to sabotage every good thing that ever happened because my own self worth was so low. Perhaps, Patrick was/is a mirror. He is reflecting back to you all the good, the magic and how lovable you truly are. To him, your worth far exceeds mistakes. Especially when those mistakes were rooted in a misaligned value of yourself. That man sounds like a keeper. One that can truly see you for all of your worth. ❤️❤️❤️ This for sure was hard to write, and yet, I bet you feel some relief getting it out. Much love to you.
Rachael, this made me tear up. Thank you for seeing it so clearly. Chronic saboteur is exactly it. I think I was so used to being treated badly that steadiness felt suspicious, like I had to test it or ruin it or it would just disappear on its own anyway. Patrick really was a mirror like that. He saw something I could not see in myself yet. And yes, writing it was hard, but it did feel like letting the shame out into the light. Much love back to you. ❤️
I love this. I love the honesty. The insight. The self reflection. The Patrick!! And, most of all, I love the fact that you wrote it. It’s so beautiful….
True….so true .🙏🏻
People don't love the bad parts. You're not giving yourself credit for the good parts, the ones they truly loved. You stole from them, but you must have given them something far more than the material items you took to have them pull you in. Even the woman who was not your biggest fan was deeply involved. Somewhere deep inside, there was something worth loving.
Shannon, thank you. This really hit me. I think I’m still learning how to separate the things I did from the whole person I was. At the time, I could only see the shame. Maybe they saw something worth loving before I could. ❤️
They must of, otherwise this would be a wholly different story. I bet you're better for it, too, even if you may not entirely realize it. Something turned you around, and here you are with all of us!
You're welcome. You're always welcome.
I love this. Sometimes one person is enough to show us the side of what love truly feels like. 💕🫶🏻 Nice one.
Your raw honesty is so brave and inspiring. Thank you so much for sharing all of you 🫶🏼
Really enjoyed reading this piece, the narrator is such a strong likeable character in spite of her flaws...exactly what the title suggests. Love, like...they are so nuanced and never black and white.
I too have many many regrets and am ashamed and hurt at the hurt I have caused others. I have reached out to the ones I know am praying that when God sees fit he will allow those I’ve harmed or something that is keeping us apart to come forth and give me a chance to hear them out and allow me the chance to make it right. And put the rest in Gods hands . Thank you for this
Dawn, this is such an honest and humble thing to share. I think all we can really do is take responsibility where we can, try to make amends when the opportunity is there, and trust God with the rest. That does not erase the pain, but it does matter. I’m glad this resonated with you. ❤️
I think what makes this so powerful is that it refuses to simplify either love or people. You allow your past self to remain complicated, and in doing so, you remind us that grace isn’t about pretending the ugly parts never existed. It’s about someone seeing them clearly and choosing not to let them become the whole story. Thank you for trusting your readers with something so deeply personal. 🤍
What stayed with me most is the idea that shame often expects rejection before love has the chance to prove itself. Sometimes the hardest part isn't being seen for our flaws—it's believing someone can see them and still choose to stay. Thank you for such an honest and vulnerable reflection.
This is such a brave and beautifully human piece.
What stayed with me most was the way you refused to polish the past into something cleaner. You let the younger version of yourself be complicated: ashamed, immature, wounded, dishonest, scared, and still worthy of love. That is not easy to write honestly.
“Before Patrick, I thought love was something that disappeared the minute someone saw the ugly parts. Patrick saw them and stayed.” That line feels like the heart of the essay.
I also loved the way you wrote about grace without making it sentimental. Patrick’s love, Meg’s forgiveness, even his mother telling him to go get you. None of it is neat. None of it erases the harm. But it shows how love can sometimes meet us before we know how to become someone we can live with.
This piece is painful, funny, accountable, and deeply moving.
Dani, thank you. This means so much. I think the hardest part was not cleaning it up too much or making younger me either innocent or terrible. She was complicated. I was complicated. And you’re right, none of the love erased the harm, but it met me before I knew how to become someone I could live with. That line really got me. ❤️
Sometimes I have found myself in a place of sabotage, inside a toxic dynamic I could not understand, because I was afraid.
And yet I did not always know what I was afraid of. Fear is so deeply entangled with our essence that it becomes instinct - quiet, automatic, almost invisible while it is happening.
Jeanne, I really get this. Sometimes fear doesn’t even feel like fear when you’re in it. It just feels like instinct, like this is what I have to do to survive or protect myself. It’s only later you can look back and think, oh, that was fear running the whole show. Thank you for putting it this way. ❤️
Love is so complex and you have such a beautiful way to describe it.
It literally takes over our minds and bodies, fills us with fear, uncertainty and helplessness, yet we can't stop craving it.
Kate, this is a masterclass in accountability. You named the theft, the lying, the shame, and the survival behind it without dressing it up or making excuses. That is not easy to do.
The fact that Patrick and Meg loved you through it is beautiful. The fact that you can see it now, and write about it like this, tells me you are not that “damaged little shithead version” anymore. You are someone who can hold the ugly parts without being ruled by them. That’s huge. Thank you for letting us see it. 🙏💗
Wow, this was deep! There are very few people that have both the self awareness and the emotional intelligence to recognize your behaviour and see that it was an unconscious act of sabotage. Just shows the power of love and how it transcends most logic.
it must have been so hard to write about what you would take. do you know why you did it? i'm nobody, but you come very highly recommended, and i would like to know.
Christopher, thank you. I think I’m only starting to understand why. Somewhere early on, I learned that when you did something shameful, affection disappeared and you got sent away from the room. So maybe part of me was repeating that pattern and waiting for the old punishment. Patrick didn’t punish me. He knew, made a joke, and stayed. That’s the part that still gets me. ❤️
All you, @Notes from the Hill. And your answer tracks and tracks well. +1