Love. Such a complicated dynamic to understand. As a chronic saboteur, I felt this deeply. Somehow I unconsciously found a way to sabotage every good thing that ever happened because my own self worth was so low. Perhaps, Patrick was/is a mirror. He is reflecting back to you all the good, the magic and how lovable you truly are. To him, your worth far exceeds mistakes. Especially when those mistakes were rooted in a misaligned value of yourself. That man sounds like a keeper. One that can truly see you for all of your worth. ❤️❤️❤️ This for sure was hard to write, and yet, I bet you feel some relief getting it out. Much love to you.
Rachael, this made me tear up. Thank you for seeing it so clearly. Chronic saboteur is exactly it. I think I was so used to being treated badly that steadiness felt suspicious, like I had to test it or ruin it or it would just disappear on its own anyway. Patrick really was a mirror like that. He saw something I could not see in myself yet. And yes, writing it was hard, but it did feel like letting the shame out into the light. Much love back to you. ❤️
I love this. I love the honesty. The insight. The self reflection. The Patrick!! And, most of all, I love the fact that you wrote it. It’s so beautiful….
Awww so beautiful and authentic x the people that love us for who we are even when we are our very worst. Love is complicated. Such gorgeous writing. Thank you for sharing so vulnerably. I want to learn more about the cult you were in ? That sounds hectic.
"I thought love was something you kept earning, kept managing, kept trying not to lose" — okay damn, the fact that you can write about the wallet & the clothes & the padlock with this much clarity now is itself evidence of the distance you've traveled; definitely a kudos there.
& the doubting love when it's steady is so intimately familiar, it's actually really painful for me -- appreciate you writing this.
Michelle, thank you. This means a lot. I think being able to write about the wallet and the clothes and the padlock clearly is proof of some distance, because for so long all I could feel was shame. And I’m sorry you know that feeling too, doubting love once it becomes steady. It’s such a hard thing to unlearn. ❤️
What really stayed with me here wasn’t even the chaos or the confession part of it. It was Patrick.
There’s something incredibly moving about being loved by someone who fully sees the messy, immature, ashamed parts of you and doesn’t turn them into a weapon. Not because they’re blind. Because they understand pain well enough to recognize survival behavior when they see it.
And honestly, sometimes that kind of love is what finally gives a person enough safety to become someone softer than who they had to be before. That part hit me hard.🫶🏼✨🥹
I KNOW. That part still makes me cry. I confessed about the money a few months later, thinking he was going to say, “What the hell?” or maybe even, “It’s okay.” But he made a joke and basically said, “Of course I knew.” Between that and the clothes stealing not scaring him off, I was pretty sure he was the one for me. He saw me before I knew how to see myself. ❤️
“He thought I was a prize. I kept thinking, why the hell does he want to be with me?”
That line holds the whole piece together. This isn’t really about romance it’s about what happens when someone sees the ugliest parts of you clearly and stays anyway.
This is tragically beautiful. You reprimanded yourself so much, but from their viewpoints--it seems like they treasured you for you.
Everything you're feeling guilty and ashamed of, they still loved you through it. They loved who you are, not what some of your actions represented. I'm sure if they shared stories of you, they would be told in a different light. ❤️
The fact that you can look back and reflect on every wrongdoing already shows great character. Even during the moments you had gone through with these, I'm sure you felt guilt. They probably saw that guilt, too.
I think you're exceptionally beautiful and it's just hard to see that yourself. They saw it for you. ❤️
I also believe that much of what you shared here--is relatable to many people, which sends a strong message too!
Thank you for sharing. Sending you so much love. ❤️
Cory, thank you. This made me tear up. I think that’s what I’m only starting to understand now, that they saw more than the shameful parts. They saw the whole person underneath, maybe before I could. I’m so grateful for that kind of grace, and for your kindness here. ❤️
And in letting the shame bubble up enough to be witnessed, to be articulated, there you find others who feel similarly about their own perceived mistakes. You did the best with what you knew at the time. Thank you for your bravery. I can tell your writing is truly your own, not polished or AI formulaic.
Jamie, thank you. This means so much, especially that the writing feels truly my own. I think letting the shame be seen was the hardest part, but also maybe the point. I really appreciate you reading it so generously. ❤️
People don't love the bad parts. You're not giving yourself credit for the good parts, the ones they truly loved. You stole from them, but you must have given them something far more than the material items you took to have them pull you in. Even the woman who was not your biggest fan was deeply involved. Somewhere deep inside, there was something worth loving.
Shannon, thank you. This really hit me. I think I’m still learning how to separate the things I did from the whole person I was. At the time, I could only see the shame. Maybe they saw something worth loving before I could. ❤️
They must of, otherwise this would be a wholly different story. I bet you're better for it, too, even if you may not entirely realize it. Something turned you around, and here you are with all of us!
"I thought love was something that disappeared the minute someone saw the ugly parts." I know exactly what you mean. This is so good. I so appreciate your honesty.
I can also identify with wondering if I was unconsciously trying to sabotage a relationship.
Thank you so much. That line was one of the hardest truths for me to admit. I think sabotage can feel like protection when you’re used to love disappearing. I’m sorry you know that feeling too, but I really appreciate you reading this so deeply. ❤️
I don't know what to say after reading this... Its like watching whole a regret, hearttrenching moviee.... I still didn't understand who was wrong who was right... But who stays with youuu after all this storm is most important here... I can feel the guiltness, regret, heart breaks you are carrying till the endd... I hope you will be free from the guilt, regret one dayy...
Jasia, thank you so much for reading it with such an open heart. I think you understood the most important part, that after all the guilt and regret and messy pieces, the people who stayed mattered most. That kind of love still amazes me. ❤️
James, this made me tear up. Thank you. I think that’s the part I’m only understanding now, that they saw more than the worst parts and loved me anyway. It took me a long time to believe that kind of love was real. ❤️
Love. Such a complicated dynamic to understand. As a chronic saboteur, I felt this deeply. Somehow I unconsciously found a way to sabotage every good thing that ever happened because my own self worth was so low. Perhaps, Patrick was/is a mirror. He is reflecting back to you all the good, the magic and how lovable you truly are. To him, your worth far exceeds mistakes. Especially when those mistakes were rooted in a misaligned value of yourself. That man sounds like a keeper. One that can truly see you for all of your worth. ❤️❤️❤️ This for sure was hard to write, and yet, I bet you feel some relief getting it out. Much love to you.
Rachael, this made me tear up. Thank you for seeing it so clearly. Chronic saboteur is exactly it. I think I was so used to being treated badly that steadiness felt suspicious, like I had to test it or ruin it or it would just disappear on its own anyway. Patrick really was a mirror like that. He saw something I could not see in myself yet. And yes, writing it was hard, but it did feel like letting the shame out into the light. Much love back to you. ❤️
I love this. I love the honesty. The insight. The self reflection. The Patrick!! And, most of all, I love the fact that you wrote it. It’s so beautiful….
Awww so beautiful and authentic x the people that love us for who we are even when we are our very worst. Love is complicated. Such gorgeous writing. Thank you for sharing so vulnerably. I want to learn more about the cult you were in ? That sounds hectic.
I wrote this about the cult! if you're interested!
https://katekara.substack.com/p/backsliding?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=179nz2
Truly awe inspiring how you’re sharing your story. Bravo.
"I thought love was something you kept earning, kept managing, kept trying not to lose" — okay damn, the fact that you can write about the wallet & the clothes & the padlock with this much clarity now is itself evidence of the distance you've traveled; definitely a kudos there.
& the doubting love when it's steady is so intimately familiar, it's actually really painful for me -- appreciate you writing this.
Michelle, thank you. This means a lot. I think being able to write about the wallet and the clothes and the padlock clearly is proof of some distance, because for so long all I could feel was shame. And I’m sorry you know that feeling too, doubting love once it becomes steady. It’s such a hard thing to unlearn. ❤️
What really stayed with me here wasn’t even the chaos or the confession part of it. It was Patrick.
There’s something incredibly moving about being loved by someone who fully sees the messy, immature, ashamed parts of you and doesn’t turn them into a weapon. Not because they’re blind. Because they understand pain well enough to recognize survival behavior when they see it.
And honestly, sometimes that kind of love is what finally gives a person enough safety to become someone softer than who they had to be before. That part hit me hard.🫶🏼✨🥹
I KNOW. That part still makes me cry. I confessed about the money a few months later, thinking he was going to say, “What the hell?” or maybe even, “It’s okay.” But he made a joke and basically said, “Of course I knew.” Between that and the clothes stealing not scaring him off, I was pretty sure he was the one for me. He saw me before I knew how to see myself. ❤️
And that’s truly a beautiful love story 🫶🏼✨
31 years today!!!
Congratulations to you both hoping I find my Patrick one day 😊
I know you will!!!! you're amazing! 🫶🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡
Thank you 🫶🏼✨🥹
“He thought I was a prize. I kept thinking, why the hell does he want to be with me?”
That line holds the whole piece together. This isn’t really about romance it’s about what happens when someone sees the ugliest parts of you clearly and stays anyway.
This is tragically beautiful. You reprimanded yourself so much, but from their viewpoints--it seems like they treasured you for you.
Everything you're feeling guilty and ashamed of, they still loved you through it. They loved who you are, not what some of your actions represented. I'm sure if they shared stories of you, they would be told in a different light. ❤️
The fact that you can look back and reflect on every wrongdoing already shows great character. Even during the moments you had gone through with these, I'm sure you felt guilt. They probably saw that guilt, too.
I think you're exceptionally beautiful and it's just hard to see that yourself. They saw it for you. ❤️
I also believe that much of what you shared here--is relatable to many people, which sends a strong message too!
Thank you for sharing. Sending you so much love. ❤️
Cory, thank you. This made me tear up. I think that’s what I’m only starting to understand now, that they saw more than the shameful parts. They saw the whole person underneath, maybe before I could. I’m so grateful for that kind of grace, and for your kindness here. ❤️
I do not write that proudly. I write it because it is true. Thank you for writing this. Real love is loving the unflattering version, too.
And in letting the shame bubble up enough to be witnessed, to be articulated, there you find others who feel similarly about their own perceived mistakes. You did the best with what you knew at the time. Thank you for your bravery. I can tell your writing is truly your own, not polished or AI formulaic.
Jamie, thank you. This means so much, especially that the writing feels truly my own. I think letting the shame be seen was the hardest part, but also maybe the point. I really appreciate you reading it so generously. ❤️
Absolutely, always will.
People don't love the bad parts. You're not giving yourself credit for the good parts, the ones they truly loved. You stole from them, but you must have given them something far more than the material items you took to have them pull you in. Even the woman who was not your biggest fan was deeply involved. Somewhere deep inside, there was something worth loving.
Shannon, thank you. This really hit me. I think I’m still learning how to separate the things I did from the whole person I was. At the time, I could only see the shame. Maybe they saw something worth loving before I could. ❤️
They must of, otherwise this would be a wholly different story. I bet you're better for it, too, even if you may not entirely realize it. Something turned you around, and here you are with all of us!
You're welcome. You're always welcome.
"I thought love was something that disappeared the minute someone saw the ugly parts." I know exactly what you mean. This is so good. I so appreciate your honesty.
I can also identify with wondering if I was unconsciously trying to sabotage a relationship.
Thank you so much. That line was one of the hardest truths for me to admit. I think sabotage can feel like protection when you’re used to love disappearing. I’m sorry you know that feeling too, but I really appreciate you reading this so deeply. ❤️
I don't know what to say after reading this... Its like watching whole a regret, hearttrenching moviee.... I still didn't understand who was wrong who was right... But who stays with youuu after all this storm is most important here... I can feel the guiltness, regret, heart breaks you are carrying till the endd... I hope you will be free from the guilt, regret one dayy...
Happy for both of you🤍
Jasia, thank you so much for reading it with such an open heart. I think you understood the most important part, that after all the guilt and regret and messy pieces, the people who stayed mattered most. That kind of love still amazes me. ❤️
James, this made me tear up. Thank you. I think that’s the part I’m only understanding now, that they saw more than the worst parts and loved me anyway. It took me a long time to believe that kind of love was real. ❤️